“Why am I unhappy? Why am I not contented with what I have?” This is a painful question for those who are conscientious in their search for meaning.
Years ago, a seemingly successful businessman in Makati bravely disclosed his experience of emptiness to me during a Lenten retreat. He was certain that he was giving his all to his job and to his family. He seemed to have everything a dignified person needed. Yet, he intentionally enrolled to that retreat because he was not happy. Despite his significant achievements in business through the years he could not understand from where the pang of emptiness that unceasingly throbbed deep within him was coming. He was quick to acknowledge his sense of success for everything he had done, and yet he had mustered his courage to admit to himself that a lot more is lacking.
I consoled him first by assuring him that “hindi ka nag-iisa…” that I, as a pastor, did experience the same emptiness too despite what I thought was a selfless giving of what I had to offer in the ministry.
For his meditation I suggested to pray using the scripture. I gave him the gospel episode of today (Lk 5:1-11) which portrays Peter, together with other fishermen, eventually leaving everything behind to follow Jesus in amazement because of the great catch of fish they had on account of Jesus’ instructions.
What did the retreatant gathered from this meditation? He was made to realize as clear as daylight that human efforts, even if undertaken with the highest possible degree of excellence, will be inadequate if God is not in them. This reminds us of the psalmist’s chant: “If God does not build the house, in vain do the builders labor.”
Peter, in the gospel today, is humbled by the fact that he and his fellow fishermen had worked hard all night and had not caught anything; yet at Jesus’ command, they lowered their nets again and, to the astonishment of all, they caught so great a number of fish that their nets were tearing and their boats were in danger of sinking! (v. 5-7).
“Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man” (v. 8). This is Peter’s realization of his inadequacy in front of the Lord. How consoling for us to be reminded of this humbling experience of the first pope of the Church of Christ. And how reassuring that the Lord dispels every fear in our otherwise feeble commitment to take on his task as He says to Peter: “Fear not; from now on you will be catching men” (v. 10).
So here is the answer to our painful question. Whatever we do independently of God will be inadequate. The businessman may have been successful and proven excellent by his colleagues and even by his rivals, and a pastor may have emptied himself selflessly to his ministry, but if all they had done is to prove and depend on their human prowess, there is no wondering why at the end of the day they may find themselves unhappy, discontented, and, worst, empty. Without the Lord in our life everything is going to be in vain and fruitless. Again, “if the Lord does not build the house, in vain do the builders labor.”
Peter offers us today the right attitude. We need the humility to acknowledge our inadequacies.
When we are young and strong, we tend to be proud. We allow ourselves to be intoxicated by our sense of invincible power and strength believing we can always do it our own way. This may be a reason why the young in general do not care about God in their lives. They falsely believe they are self-sufficient. They have no need of God. All these they believe despite the remarkable anxieties and disturbing restlessness that characterize their generation.
The beauty of growing old, I think, is that we grow wiser each year. The less strong and powerful we become through time, the more readily we admit our incapacities. To be wiser then means to learn how to accept who we truly are in the face of God. A wise man is a humble man. A truly wise man knows he needs someone greater than he is to make things happen. He kneels, like Peter, with all humility in prayer, “I am inadequate and sinful. Depart from me.”
Yet it is in that moment of self-surrender, it is in that instance of humble acceptance of weakness that God’s power takes over; God’s power shines mightily unhampered by the foolish pride of the person! And just imagine what the person can do when he does things in the power of God!
It is God’s fecundity that brings forth abundance of fruits to our labor. It is God’s attractiveness that draws great number of “fish” to fill the boats to the point of sinking. It is God’s overflowing love that fills our hearts with so much joy that enables us to leave everything behind because we really don’t care about things when we have in our possession the greatest treasure of all. It is when we have allowed God to work through our human frailty, that we give glory to God and not to ourselves. It is then that we are truly, truly happy.
So why am I unhappy? Why am I not contented with what I have? It’s because I am relying too much on myself, doing things, acquiring things in my own “excellent” terms. Because everything I do is all about me… me… and me! Because my pride has kept God’s bountiful and enabling grace at bay unable to work wonders in my life and in those whom I thought I’m serving!
Lord, let me acknowledge my inadequacies and humbly allow your love to empower me that I may offer you a great catch, a bountiful harvest, and a truly joyful life. Amen.
